SPY TURNS AGONY AUNT 

And answers your seasonal Questions

Dear Smart Ass:

I have an ante-post betting slip for Cue Card in Boxing Day’s King George VI Chase. Having read your recent article concerning the importance of a betting edge, Playing The Percentages, I was perturbed by your comments regarding the horse’s apparent preference for left-handed tracks and your statement that he has never won right-handed. Consequently I re-checked Cue Card’s racing record only to discover he won at Exeter in November of last year. According to official descriptions of the track, it is right-handed.

Spy says: Given there are only two choices (left or right), then technically it is; but were there such a description as Isosceles-triangular-shaped, I suggest that would suit better. However, you are correct in your assessment that Exeter shows a right-handed bias. Good luck with the bet. (Phew… think I got away with that one!) 

Dear Mr Spleen:

I am a married lady of many years, now in my early fifties. A few years ago, during lovemaking sessions with my husband, to help the process along I used to fantasise that it was David Beckham that was making love to me. Last Christmas, having watched Mr Sam Waley-Cohen ride Long Run to victory in the big race at Kempton on Boxing Day, for some reason I have switched allegiance. Now I can’t seem to get Mr Waley- Cohen’s image out of my head (don’t you just love a man with a double-barrelled name?) even when my husband is not – err, treating me to his version of a performance. Have you any idea what I can do?

Spy says: Buy some glasses.

Hello Mate:

Just recently my betting has plumbed new depths. Truthfully, I can’t remember when I last backed a winner. It has got so bad that I am merely ticking off selections in the paper and monitoring their progress, feeling it is a cheaper alternative than backing everything I fancy.

Now my selections have started to win. As a result I missed a 7/1 winner last Saturday and a 9/2 winner this week. The question is, should I return to my betting ways now the tide seems to have turned, or continue to sit the whole thing out? I am frightened that as soon as I start playing with real money again everything will start losing.

Spy says: In most cases ticking off selections in a paper and monitoring their progress is a cheaper alternative than backing them. But if you wish to return to the betting jungle, your present dilemma is a common one for the gambler. The worst thing you can do is to let poor past results affect the future. If you do that you will make bad decisions and bad decisions have a habit of begetting even worse ones. Changing a proven strategy of backing horses (or anything for that matter) is likely to have an adverse effect on subsequent results. Before you know it you will be playing fruit machines, buying scratch cards and doing the lottery. I suggest you only resume betting when you feel better disposed toward the game – possibly in 2018.

Dear Spy:

Last Saturday I left the house early, leaving my husband in front of the television awaiting the start of the Morning Line. Intent of Christmas shopping, I took the car. After a few hundred yards the engine spluttered and the car came to an abrupt halt. I was able to park it by the kerb and walk back home to get my husband’s help. Once through the door I almost fell to the floor in disbelief. My husband was perched astride the arm of the sofa wearing a pair of jodhpurs, riding boots, a jockey cap and brandishing a whip whilst apparently riding out a finish and shouting, “What do you think of this Tanya?” I am 26, my husband is 28 and we have been married seven years. He has never expressed this kind of intense interest in racing before. His excuse for such irrational behaviour was he had been meaning to take riding lessons and often took tips from the guests and presenters appearing on Channel Four Racing. However, when I questioned him further he broke down and admitted he finds himself increasingly attracted to some lady betting person called Tanya Stevenson. I informed him such behaviour was intolerable from a grown man and that any recurrence would result in my leaving our marital home. Although I have not caught him ogling her on television lately, he has now started calling out her name in his sleep.

What do think is the best course of action?

Spy says: Winter is no time to be caught out by a temperamental vehicle. A car can stall for a variety of reasons. Often it is a carburettor fault or it could be the plugs or alternator. Assuming you are not a member of any of the motorist organisations, it is probably best to book it in at a garage. Chances are the remedy will prove to be simple and relatively inexpensive.

Dear Spy:

Ten years ago my husband filed for bankruptcy. Up to that point we had a profitable and thriving roofing business but it came to light he owed bookmakers tens of thousands of pounds and that his gambling had meant he had lost everything we had and more. After a period in therapy he appeared to be cured, but recently I caught my husband writing out a betting slip. Although he protested it was only in fun and that he had no intention of placing the wager, given that his past record suggests he couldn’t back a winner if he had a copy of tomorrow’s paper, what do you think I should do?

Spy says: Keep a copy of yesterday’s paper for him to read in future.

Hello Old Boy:

I have met a wonderful girl through a dating website. Not only is she stunning-looking but, as she loves horseracing we also have plenty in common. The trouble is she likes to attend race meetings and always expects to be taken to the members’ enclosure in style. She also has a taste for oysters and champagne. As you know going racing is hardly cheap at the best of times, therefore entertaining this filly is costing me a fortune. It has got to the stage when only a bonanza betting afternoon will finance her excesses. I have tried suggesting less extravagant dates, or even watching the racing together on television, but she claims that is not the same as a visit to the races complete with all the trimmings. She only seems to come alive when indulging in the high life and hanging out of the balcony of a private box at some racecourse, after which she stays over at my place. On the occasions we have met for a night at the movies or a low-key meal locally (I live in Basingstoke), she has always found an excuse to end the evening prematurely. Recently the bank has sent me a warning letter informing me I am in danger of exceeding my overdraft. I dearly love her company but am not sure I can afford to keep bankrolling these financially crippling jaunts. Any suggestions?

Spy says: You sound a right pair. I am assuming you know she is only after you for your money and that you are only after her for her … attributes. That being the case your relationship is doomed to be a short-lived one. That said, from your perspective the trick is to spin it out as long as possible, before she realises that instead of being the high-roller you have either pretended to be, or the cheapskate you actually are, you are overcome by her undoubted beauty and charm. However, don’t be fooled; she is hardly your average girl. From what you say, to quote Sir Winston Churchill, we know what sort of girl she is, we are merely haggling over the price. If you are sufficiently desperate, you could try telling her you are a bit strapped for cash as you have just had the bill from your bookmaker for your wager on Rocky Creek in the Hennessy. As a result you need to take it easy for a week or two while you find the money to settle up. The trouble with that is no woman (especially a gold-digger) wants to think they are saddled with a loser – worse, someone betting over his head. So you could compensate by telling her you have advanced-booked for the two of you to visit Dubai for the Gold Cup weekend in March. That might keep her on the boil long enough for you to get your money’s worth. That is until she discovers you are as shallow as she is and not in her league.

Hello Darling:

With Christmas approaching I am not sure if I should give my new boyfriend of ten months what he says he wants as a present. He would like to join a well-known racing syndicate and have a share in a racehorse. It is not that I can’t afford it; to be honest I come from a privileged background, but as I only requested a new mobile phone from him, I feel there is something of a balance to strike here. He is already sufficiently obsessed with all matters relating to horseracing as it is without me encouraging him further.

What do you think?

Spy says: I can’t say I like the sound of this. It may be better to give than receive, but it would appear your boyfriend proposes taking this to a whole new level. I mean, who does he think he is? A racehorse for Christmas! Unless your privileged background extends to the Aga Khan and his immediate family, I would send him a voucher to say he has contributed toward a fresh water scheme somewhere in India. Maybe you could send it to him by download on your new mobile phone…

Dear Mr Bond – is it:

I have a dilemma to share. As usual my husband and I have visitors on Boxing Day. The problem is that my husband will want to monopolise our only television in the afternoon to watch horse racing from, is it Hyde Park? Our visitors are quite straight-laced and have no interest in sport. Certainly they don’t deserve to be exposed to my husband’s antics. They would much rather play scrabble or watch a nice film over a glass of sherry and a mince pie. This is not possible as we have one large dining/sitting room and the television is a rather imposing fifty-inch version, which is not too unlike my lardy husband’s waist measurements these days. No one will want to see Reginald shouting and cheering to the strains of a race commentary as he slurps from his second bottle of Rioja. I mean it hardly makes for a peaceful afternoon does it?

Surely there must be something I can do.

Yours in desperation (name withheld).

Spy says: A number of possible solutions spring to mind. You could try telling your lardy husband that racing at Hyde Park is cancelled due to a last-minute Rolling Stones concert. But actually, as racing takes place at Kempton Park, that is unlikely to work. Alternatively you could cross your fingers and wish for a heavy snowfall on Christmas night; but, according to latest weather forecasts, prospects of that coming to the rescue seem remote. Being more practical, how about giving him a television as a Christmas gift, that way he could watch the big race in another room – out of sight is out of mind and all that. Better still; why not get rid of him completely. Yes, you could poison his turkey portion, hack him into little pieces, place him in the freezer and feed him to the wild life this winter – but that sounds risky and like hard work. Less drastically, you could buy him a ticket to Kempton Park races on Boxing Day and even ring round and see if any local travel firms are running a coach to the track. If they are not, maybe you could tell him he is on his way to Sunbury when it fact you have booked him on a (one-way?) trip to Dusseldorf and their Christmas market. That way you may not have to suffer him again until next year.